


Shakira Becomes Papa IV

by birdconspiracy (dapexwn)



Category: Ghost (Sweden Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 00:19:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18354713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dapexwn/pseuds/birdconspiracy
Summary: out of hype for ghost coming to utah i present to you our new papa, shakira





	Shakira Becomes Papa IV

**Author's Note:**

> guess who got tickets babey

I had only two things on my mind – sweet, sweet vodka and the invasion of Poland. I bespectacled the gala with my world-famous pussy-smashing waffles bowls and served fresh servings of vegan blood.

“Hello,” I said to the demonic assholes attending the cult meeting. “Would you be interested in virgin blood?”

“Vegan!” shouted one of the guests. I turned my head.

It was Shakira.

She was performing with Ghost tonight. I threw a cup of warm vegan blood at her and she caught it in her mouth. Shakira was wearing nothing but a tree.

Loud dubstep was playing. Cardinal Copia was off to the side of the Little Caesar’s table arm-wrestling my dad. They used a pizza as a placemat and uttered ungodly noises. Cardinal Copia lost and took a shot of vodka.

Cardinal Copia whipped out his spiked phone and found he had no Tinder matches. He wept in F minor and his fingernails grew 2 inches.

Meanwhile, off to the side, the ghouls were smoking weed. I yelled and went at full velociraptor speed to the other side of the venue and landed straight in the 7th circle of Pizza Hut.

“Your appointment begins at dawn,” the Pizza Hut doctor snarled. A butterfly was incinerated in mid-air. The Pizza Hut doctor simultaneously disintegrated and reincarnated as a werewolf.

“What is the meaning of all of this?” said a very German vampire. I whipped my head over to him and hit him square in the neck with my jaw.

“This is not a drug deal,” I glurmured. “This is a cult meeting.”

The German vampire turned 360 degrees and reincarnated as a bowl of fresh cut asparagus. I frowned at him. A raccoon ran away in the distance and shapeshifted into a Lesser Cardinal Copia.

“Good evening,” he croaked. His frog side was spilling out. I handed him a bottle of Advil and flew over to the main stage.

Imagine Dragons was playing random notes on their instruments.

“BWOMP BWOMP BWAAAAAA” their guitars screamed. “VERRRR DEDEDE NNNNGH”

I met eyes with the lead singer and his four other clones. “Very niceu, thank you, Henry Ford,” I commented. The audience clapped in applause for me, not for him.

Henry Ford appeared in a Chevy truck and drove straight out of the wall. A dog howled in the night and a cat barked. A mime cried out softly over a spoiled glass of water.

“Hello, hello,” Greater Cardinal Copia whispered into the mic. He had simultaneously eliminated Imagine Dragons and consumed their souls.

Papa III clipped through the floor and t-posed ominously. “Frisco won’t be the only thing clapping tonight,” he wink-wunked.

I shot him a glare and cursed him. His hair fell out in large clumps and reformatted into HTML 5, metamorphizing into a mop. The shiny baldness of his head both cursed and blessed the Earth, blinding millions and shooting up healthcare prices.

“Damn insurance rates,” I hissed. “This is why you got sued in the first place.”

Papa III’s head detached from his body and together his form clipped through the ceiling in an ominous t-pose.

“You need to call Ghostbusters, Cardi C,” a man boomed from the audience. It was Stan Lee.

“I was never a Marvel fan,” he hissed. Stan Lee dematerialized into a bearded Spiderman.

Bearded Spiderman Stan Lee sprouted 6 other legs and scurried onto stage. “I’m sending you to gulag,” he growled.

The stoned ghouls rushed to help Greater Cardinal Copia, but were too late.

Greater Cardinal Copia turned to ashes and Shakira became the new Papa. The ghouls rushed over and bowed at Her feet. Her feet reformatted into C++ and metamorphized into hands. She sprouted 8 legs and formed an alliance with Bearded Spiderman Stan Lee.

Spider Furry Shakira yare yare’d and destroyed the venue. Jesus Christ descended from the ceiling carrying Papa III’s head and a guitar in the other. He played Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and progressed onto an aggressive slaying of his guitar.

“Jesus, take the wheel!” Spider Furry Shakira shouted. The whole world froze in time.

Earth was submerged in ice cold grape soda.


End file.
